How to Control Anger

Leul says,

I tolerate people and don’t speak up when they mistreat me or insult me.

I do this because I believe that humans make mistakes. But when similar situations happen again and again, I feel angry, and then, I do speak up for myself.

Even though I have valid reasons to get angry, I regret my emotional reaction later. This is also a reason why I avoid confronting a person who treats me badly.

What should I do in such situations?

Thanks for your time,
-Leul

Thank you for the question and for trusting me to comment on it. What you are describing is a natural protective reaction, your innate coping mechanism. Let’s talk about it step by step. The first question that I hear in your message is

Why Do I Get Angry?

When a person is abusing you, physically or mentally, you feel angry. This is a healthy emotional reaction. This is actually a signal that you should pay attention to. Your body sends a signal that something is wrong, that someone is crossing your boundaries.

We live in a society that places the taboo on feeling anger. Anger is considered as a negative emotion. But in this situation, anger is your friend. Anger tells you to watch out, to be alert, and do something because someone is attacking you.

This is an innate instinct. If we, humans, didn’t have it, we would not have survived for this long. Anger helps us to accumulate the energy to protect ourselves.

When we are in tune with our bodies, we can feel and name our emotions. This is exactly what you are describing in your question. Nothing is wrong with you. I would even say that a majority of people are not even aware of their own emotions. You know your triggers and your common reactions. Everything sounds good so far.

The second question that I read from your message is

Why Can’t I Control My Anger?

You can’t control your anger because it’s not possible to control anger. You are trying to suppress it because you don’t want to hurt another person. But by suppressing it you are hurting yourself. Your anger is not going anywhere. It is destroying you from the inside. Your inner container is full of anger and it can’t hold it down anymore. From time to time, you are bursting out this detrimental energy and then you regret it.

You want to protect yourself but you don’t know-how. What you are looking for is the proper way of releasing your anger. I hear you; I can feel your struggles through your message and I am here to help you find a solution to this problem.

Let’s move to the 3^rd important point of your question.

I Regret It When I Get Angry.

I don’t know your childhood story but based on your reaction, I assume that your parents or a parent prohibited you from having negative feelings. It is normal for a small child to throw things on the floor, to cry, to scream when someone is rude to them, or taking their toys away. A small child can hit or bite another person in order to get what they want. A parent’s task is to teach the child that it’s ok to feel angry. A child should protect themself and their belongings but it’s not ok to be violent. The parent should teach the child how to communicate to another person in a healthy way.

Unfortunately, instead of teaching their child about healthy boundaries, parents often criticize their child’s behavior. Instead, they place a taboo on their natural feelings.

The child is learning that what he or she is feeling is wrong. Parents often punish a child for their feelings and make them apologize for their behavior. As a result, a child is learning to suppress their feelings and avoid speaking up for themselves. But feelings are not going anywhere. They are accumulating inside and, little by little, destroying the person from within.

This is exactly what you described in your message – You avoid speaking up for yourself and suppress your anger. At some point, when you can’t hold them in any more, your feelings are bursting out, hurting another person, and later you regret your behavior.

The final and main question is

How Do I Control My Anger

1. First, you need to understand that your anger is your friend. There is nothing wrong with you when you feel angry.
2. When you feel angry, admit it to yourself. You can do it by welcoming your feelings. Say to yourself, “Hello anger. Thank you for letting me know that someone is crossing my boundaries.” Just by allowing yourself to feel what you feel, by accepting your anger, the intensity of your feelings will go down.
3. Let the other person know how you feel but be respectful to them at the same time. Today, I will give you one of the golden communication phrases. Write it down.

– I feel angry when XYZ…. And I’d like XYZ….

For example:
– I feel angry when you say this to me. I’d like to see if we can solve this situation in a different way.

– I feel angry when I hear this. I’d like to stop this conversation, for now, to clear out my head.

– I feel angry when you are calling me names. I’d like you to stop or this conversation might lead to a fight.

There Are Three Important Things to Remember:

1. Admit your feelings (by saying – I feel angry)
2. Recognize your triggers (by saying – I feel angry when you are calling me names when I hear this when you raise your voice) and
3. Offer the solution (by saying, let’s stop this conversation, or let’s solve this problem in a different way, or let me calm down, and then we can talk again)

Because no one has taught you a healthy way of communicating your anger and protecting your boundaries, it will take a good amount of time to practice it. Watch this video 3-5-10 times, memorize the phrase, and practice it again, again and again, until it comes naturally to you.

This was only one phrase, one method of healthy anger management. If you want to learn more, then I encourage you to subscribe to my YouTube channel and consider my private sessions. There we can talk about your family and your childhood. You can learn multiple methods of creating healthy boundaries. As a result, you will truly enjoy your relationships and be able to express yourself without feeling regret or guilt.

Ask your questions in the comments section and I will be happy to share my professional opinion with you.

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